So much

for me posting on a daily basis.

I was meant to be at my voice wummin at 2.00pm on Wednesday, but I turned up at 2.25pm thinking I was nice and early.

She's such a nice woman and didn't seem to mind, but I was annoyed at myself for messing her about. That meant we only had about 30 minutes to work with and I ended up just blabbering on about everything and nothing. Mostly my fears.
I knew it was time to go when I found myself telling her I was wanting to go and speak to the local priest or somebody higher up the command.

That article has really got me thinking again about the Catholic Church and their hypocritical ways. I'll probably go to the burny fire for saying that, but that's the whole point. For as long as I can remember, that was the threat to a young Catholic child who did something wrong.

It's ingrained into our psyche's.

So there I was telling her that I had almost achieved my life goal and at 34 I couldn't see a future where I didn't have the trans thing engulfing my every thought, day in day out. I couldn't describe to her really what I meant, but I think she was getting the gist. I'm concerned about the world and all the evil that is all around us.
I am bursting to tell as many people as I can that the world is a shitty place and that we should all just pause for a minute and say
"Right, that's it! No more evil. We've had enough of it, let's start things afresh. Let's disband all the religions and start a new code of treating each other better in the here and now, without worshipping anybody that we can't see. If he's there, he'll be watching, taking note and giving us all a little tick and thinking "That's it. They've got the message finally""

It's not going to happen though. It is too much to expect the whole world to see sense all at the one time. It would take a miracle, and miracles just don't happen these days.

So, anyway. I'm sitting there and she looks at her watch. I realise that it must be 3pm and her next "patient" would be waiting in the room that I had been in half an hour earlier.
"I'm sorry. I better go"

"No, no, finish what you're saying. The other person probably isn't there yet"

It was five past 3 and I blurted it out against my better judgememnt. I had just finished telling her about how my life seemed so empty,since I no longer had a life goal and it felt so frustrating waiting on my next "mission".
Can I call it that?
Is that what life is all about for us?
Little missions that we have to acknowledge first, carry out and then accomplish, before being set the next one?

Maybe some folk never realise they have a mission and just amble through life living their life and never questioning? I can't. I am naturally inquisitive. I cannot help it and I don't think I will ever change.
Folk say
"Relax, Morgan.
Chill out.
Watch a movie.
Read a book"

I can't. I can't even get what is in my head onto this page because my mind wont settle. It is just a rabble of scattered thoughts.

So, there I was. Five past three and she's looking at her watch.

"I want to go and see the local priest, or maybe somebody higher. Did you know that the Catholic Church doesn't recognise transsexuals?"

"No, no I didn't"

"Well, they don't. Did you know that there was a priest who went through gender re-assignment?"

"No, I din't know that either"

"Well, she's not practicing now obviously. She will hopefully be farmed out to some remote convent somewhere or even just denounced and discarded altogether. So much for a caring institution eh? Are you religious?"

"Well, um, ah..."

"See I'm not overly either, but I still have this yearning to speak to a priest and let it all out. They don't recognise transsexuality, so in their eyes I am still a man. Therefore, why can't I become a priest? That's what I think I'll do next. Annoy the Church to let me become a priest. Why not? I'm still a man. I have been celibate for the last 6 months and not been tempted to have sex. I can live the life of a priest no problem. What do you think?"

"Well, they would probably hope that you would just go away"

"Yes, probably. I better go now anyway. I've took up too much of your time already. Sorry again for being late"

I put on my scarf and coat and headed for the door. I go back this wek again on Wednesday at half 2. I think I will just say to her that I waould prefer if we could start her work. I've wasted 2 and a half hours already of her time blabbering on and on.

I've just realised. Or it has just dawned on me. There has been a tape machine sitting right next to me everytime we have met. It looks old fashioned and it never sounded as if it was on. All very quiet. Now I'm wondering if every single minute of our conversations have been taped.
I'll never know.